


One More Lifetime

by hunterpond



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Self-Reflection, Short One Shot, Spoilers for Episode: s12e02 Spyfall Part 2, Spoilers for Episode: s12e05 Fugitive of the Judoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:40:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22551919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunterpond/pseuds/hunterpond
Summary: "Her hands were shaking. This was new."Basically, The Doctor reflecting on her past self's last words right before he regenerated and on the mess her life has been since The Master showed up.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 71





	One More Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eurusholmmes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eurusholmmes/gifts).



> Needed to get this short drabble out of my head at 11pm on a Monday. Gift to my best friend.

Her hands were shaking. This was new. 

She tried to focus on the coldness of the metal of the TARDIS console behind her, tried to slow down her thoughts, tried to take slower breaths, tried to forget about the Master - 

_Her best friend. Her best enemy_. 

She tried to forget about Gallifrey - 

_It's gone again, she saved them all for nothing_.

She tried to forget about Ruth and Gat and everything else about her past -

_Everything you think you know is a lie!_

The Doctor tries and tries and tries, but she keeps on failing over and over again and her hands are still shaking. She rubs her eyes and runs her right hand through her hair and turns around to stare at the console. The metal feels cold, the humming of her TARDIS comforting despite the storm brewing inside her head, the blue hue her old girl is emitting acting as a mirror to her soul. _Sad. Sorrowful. Broken_.

She can't find the Master to get the answers she needs. She can't save the four and a half billion children who were on Gallifrey when it was detroyed again. She can't make sense of Ruth or the Timeless Child or the Lone Cyberman or Jack coming back out the blue- 

It's all too much and she can't breathe and her hands are still shaking. She closes her eyes and she can sense in her hearts the weight of all her failures. _Laugh hard, run fast, be kind_ , that's what she told herself when she was a he, when she was Eyebrows and he was so devoid of hope and he bet all of his chips on _her_ -

 _I suppose one more lifetime won't kill anyone_.

It killed the Time Lords again. It killed Grace. It nearly killed her friends -

_Her friends that don't trust her anymore._

It killed her hope. It killed _her_ , piece by piece until her new carefree personna she worked so hard to build - _be kind_ \- cracked and crumbled under the pressure of her past, her shadows, her nightmares, her failures, her mercy. 

Her eyes are closed, her hearts are racing and her hands are still shaking. She thinks of Grace's death, of Yaz's righteous anger at her lies, of Graham's silent disappointment, of the hurt in Ryan's eyes as she snapped at him. She thinks of the Master's fury, much like her own, she thinks of Ruth's - _her_ ruthlessness. She thinks of the children of Gallifrey burning because of a lunatic she set free. 

She wipes the tears running down her cheeks, pulls down the lever to launch the TARDIS into the time vortex and puts her hands in her pockets. 

_I suppose one more lifetime won't kill anyone._

_Well, except me_ , he said.

 _Except me_ , she thinks.

Her hands aren't shaking anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on twitter: ddeckerstar  
> Follow me on tumblr: muhtants


End file.
